The Power of Speaking from ‘the I’

‘Speaking from the I’ is one of the first things I introduce when coaching someone to powerfully communicate. When I first delved into the art of communication, I learned what Marshall Rosenberg meant by ‘violent communication,’ and it forever changed the way I listen, relate, respond, and express my experience. I started to notice the difference between:
a) observations - noticing or perceiving something with our senses and...
b) evaluations - when we insert our assumptions, judgments, or conclusions into a conversation.

Have you ever been talking to someone who makes a lot of ‘you’ statements? (e.g., 'you are...,' 'you should...,' 'you always...') and wondered why you felt a disconnect or even defensive? It's because you didn’t feel ‘seen’ in their conclusive statements. You probably felt the urge to correct them or share what’s actually true for you.

When we ‘speak from the I’, we automatically create a space open to multiple perspectives, we invite a collaborative conversation to achieve a shared reality. How it works:
As you interact with others, you’re in a constant loop of listening, thinking, and feeling. The invitation is to put words to what you're experiencing in the present moment by using the following sentence stems:

I notice___ (what you see and/or observe with your senses)
I imagine___(what you ‘think’ might be happening)
I feel___(name the feeling that you’re experiencing in the moment)
I need/want/desire___(requests or invitations)
I’m curious if/about ___(point to a perspective that the listener may not be aware of)

Example:
‘You aren’t prioritizing your workload well; you should have plenty of time to do this project.’
vs
‘I notice you seem overwhelmed, and I’m curious about how you’re prioritizing your workload. I imagine there’s something blocking you, and I need to understand how I can support you in meeting this deadline.’

In the second example, you're making your listener feel considered instead of blamed. You are signaling that you have taken their experience into consideration before coming to conclusions about their performance.

This might sound simple, but for me, it was like learning a new language. I had to constantly catch myself, reframe, and examine what I was really seeing, feeling, thinking, or needing in any given interaction.

It was also super ‘edgy’ to say a lot of things that I would have otherwise filtered or kept inside.
But as I practiced, it got easier, and I realized that when we speak from the ‘I,’ our experience is inarguable.
No one could tell me that I wasn’t noticing, experiencing, or needing something.

Ultimately, you’ll feel more empowered to share what’s really going on for you, without the overthinking and ‘work’ we tend to do to be perceived a certain way.

Dear Leaders, this is a game changer for you. When you can speak from the I, you'll evoke vulnerability and trust, and experience more connection in ALL of your conversations.