Six Things I learned After Facilitating 7,000 Coaching Sessions
Cancel Culture Can Be Canceled.
I’ve often coached leaders who were described as unapproachable and inconsiderate by their peers, only to discover that they were actually deeply insecure, introverted, on the spectrum, or generally misunderstood.
As these leaders missed the cues signalling that people wanted or needed more from them, gossip would start to swirl.
It was actually pretty shocking to see how quickly people would re-run the stories they had heard, lacking any personal interaction or firsthand experience.
Then, I would encounter leaders who had the agency and courage to stop the swirling in its tracks. They would openly say things like, "This feels like gossip to me, and I’m not comfortable with the direction this conversation is going," or simply, "That’s not my experience”.
This explicit act would let the audience know that we don’t treat people like this. We assume positive intent, seek to understand, and give feedback directly.
The Invitation: Be the person who can break away from the crowd, who doesn’t ‘fuel the fire’ and perpetuate the pain that comes with canceling others before having the full truth of the matter.
Those who follow and admire you are watching.
Humans are incredibly multidimensional.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory explains how we have a whole ‘family’ of parts within us that have been formed during various stages of our lives. These parts show up differently, depending on our motivations and the roles we play. In the workplace - my guess is that you are seeing 1-3 (out of 14+) parts of the people you work closest with.
As a coach, I was fortunate to meet all of the parts of the leaders I served, and came to realize…
How interconnected we all are. Most of us are walking around with the same fears, insecurities and desire to feel seen.
The attempt to hide the vulnerable parts of ourselves is what prevents people from experiencing the quality of connection they long for and need,
The invitation: Remember that you're probably only seeing 2-4 parts of the people you work closely with. Catch yourself when you come to quick conclusions. Assume that everyone is doing their best with the limited resources, understanding, or self-awareness they have access to.
Most of what people say is either a ‘story’ or a projection.
While working within organizations, I often hear ten different stories about the same situation in any given week. Each person's perspective is shaped by the limited context they have access to and their pre-conditioned beliefs about how people should think, act, or lead. They can unconsciously assume others see through the same lens and easily get stuck in a ‘state of rightness.’
It’s wild how quickly we attach meaning to the 60,000+ thoughts we have each day, how our unchallenged interpretations end up shaping everything from our relationships to how much people trust us, to the impact we can have in the world.
The Invitation: Master the art of speaking from your own experience (‘from the I,’). Hold inquisitiveness as a personal value and actively question how you ‘occur to the world.’
Humans are incredibly resilient.
I’ve seen countless leaders come into organizations with boundless energy, excitement, and passion to bring a vision to life, only to have it obliterated over and over again. Witnessing their capacity for reinvention and adaptation to ever-changing realities has been the most inspiring aspect of my journey as a coach.
The Invitation: If you feel your resilience waning, take stock of what is happening outside of your ‘bubble.’ We often lose sight of what’s important or forget that there is always something and someone to be grateful for.
A conversation can change everything.
Far too many people are in a ‘state of tolerating’ rather than saying what they really think, need or feel. There is a remarkable amount of time lost playing out all the scenarios about what will happen if we say ‘no,’ push back, or advocate for the unpopular approach.
The vast majority of the time, the relief people feel after saying what needs to be said is worth the discomfort.
Planning, framing, and examining your blind spots in the process is always valuable; however, delaying will likely perpetuate resentments, which inevitably become harder to bear in the long run.
The invitation: Choose your discomforts wisely. Reclaim your precious time, stop war-gaming and start revealing your experience. The rupture will be worth living in your truth.
Hearts can harden, unless we work to keep them open.
It is true that working in a start-up is an accelerator for personal and professional growth. Time and again, I’ve seen leaders transform due to what they were exposed to, learned, created, and survived.
However, the pattern I have noticed is a diminishing permeability over time, where people are no longer as impacted by others or situations as they once were. This can be beneficial when responding to things beyond our control, but unfortunately, it can handicap us in building meaningful relationships. When people can’t feel your heart, they are less likely to open theirs to you.
The invitation: Remember that curiosity is the key to accessibility. Catch yourself when you become closed off to others' emotions or the impact of your actions.
This awareness will inform the quality of your relationships and the quality of your life.